For all those concerned with the future of democracy fear not, for you can be sure that stupid people – who make up 99.99% of the population – do not qualify for membership. The good news for stupid people is that they do not need democracy anyway. Democracy is cumbersome and imposes upon the citizen an unfairly high demand for self-procurement. This means that one would have to spend additional time out of his or her day actually trying to understand the world, what problems exist and how best to solve them. This is an exhausting exercise and very unfulfilling. To top it off, all this additional reading means that one cannot catch his or her favorite new reality TV show of a devolving human species slobbering all over itself and anything that it finds remotely attractive. This, of course, would be devastating to human socialization, which depends so heavily on knowing these sort of trivialities in order to strike up your usual bullshit conversation, which obviously is crucial in all contemporary mating rituals.

Of course, despite the recent revelation that democracy is not for everyone, it is essential that people maintain, within their daily lives, the illusion that they actually know what is going on around them and can influence major events by casting a ballot every four years. Although physically voting is encouraged, rest assured that the vote itself is not particularly important; it’s the thought that counts. What is most important is that you catch the major headlines by either occasionally refreshing your web browser (whose homepage, of course, should be one the trusted news networks like CNN, NBC or Fox) or by watching as much Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer as possible. You should then follow up on this activity with occasional “around the water cooler” talk about Hillary’s fictitious trip to Bosnia, your assessment of the state of the sub-prime market or what you think America is doing wrong in Iraq (and throw in an observation about Shiites and Sunnis as well). Given the general gloom that pervades this particular period in America, you should approach these issues with a sense of disappointment, shaking your head as you speak about these subjects or as you listen to others do the same. Whatever you do, do not try and complicate the issues by straying beyond the very rigid talking point frame crafted by our diligent media and information industry. You will only risk damaging the fine texture of the conversation. Awkward moments can create a sense of anxiety that should be avoided at all costs lest one stray “off the reservation.” Remember, no one likes a smartass.